QUANDO URUBU ESTÁ DE AZAR (TEXT IN ENGLISH)

          There’s a wise saying that goes: QUANDO URUBU ESTÁ DE AZAR, O DE BAIXO SUJA NO DE CIMA, which means there are days when we should not even open our eyes, let alone leave the house, if we listened to our instinct.

          Well, today is one of those days. I woke up early and went to take a hot shower, for it’s very cold; I got all wet, shut the water, shampooed my hair, soaped up my whole body.

          I opened the hot water faucet and nothing happened… Shrinking because of the cold, I opened the cold water faucet and nothing happened!! Not even a drop of water. Then I thought about finishing my shower in the housekeeper’s bathroom, since she didn’t live with us.

          I looked for the towel to wrap myself up and realized I had forgotten to get one, then I left the bathroom, naked, in the shadows of the bedroom where my Sweety slept and snored gently, and I, all soaped up, opened the closet and didn’t find any hand towel. Now I’m screwed, I thought.

          Considering it was only six o’clock in the morning and the housekeeper had not arrived yet, I went just like that to her bathroom. Passing in a hurry through the kitchen, I didn’t even see my dog Charles, Prince Charles, under the table, and he barked loud. It scared me and I tried to stop, but because I was all soapy, I slipped on both feet, my legs  gave  in and I fell on my back, hitting my head on the floor. I fainted right there and then!!! When Ms. Justiniana arrived, she found me laying on the kitchen floor, naked and showing my most prized possession.

          She put both hands on her face, with her fingers and eyes wide open, staring at “it”, and started to scream: MR. RÉLHO, WHAT IS THIS?? OH MY GOD, MR. RÉLHO IS DEAD!!

          The woman screamed so loud that gathered around me “my sweety”, all my daughters, the fat and gossip-loving neighbor from the 702, the cleaning lady from the building next door, the door man and an old couple that was passing by the building at the time. Nobody wanted to miss the action.

          All of them there, all eyes on the “beauty”, until someone had the bright idea of throwing a bucket full of cold water on me. I opened my eyes, saw that audience, turned up my big butt and crawled all the way to my bed, got under the covers where I am right now, and I’ll only leave here by Christmas time if I get rid of the pains I have up to my ears and if the pictures taken by the disgusting neighbor took with the cell phone don’t get into the Internet…
By Helio Faria Junior                              (Translated by Bia Abreu)